Over the hill jokes

Youth is all spent.

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

I am a senior citizen.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.