funny quotes

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
-- Billy Connolly

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connoly

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
-- Dolly Parton

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ....

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.