Funny Jewish Jokes

Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don't know Madonna."   Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there.  But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA. We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!" and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn't believe it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"

Family growth

Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire. He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
"I'm just a standard kind of a nice guy," he says to her, "but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected to die and I'll inherit over £20 million."
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following day becomes his stepmother.